A number of years ago, I was invited to speak at a small women’s retreat. I titled my sessions “Confessions of an Ugly Duckling” and, oh friend, was it a brave time for me.
You see, I was back home on Vancouver Island and I found my worst.school.photo.ever. I had a few really bad photos, but this was one of the pure awful. It involved early puberty, a failed perm and bizarrely fluffy bangs, bad wardrobe choices (think: a giant black neck-tied bow), and at least 15 extra pounds due to a 3-week summer visit with Grandma (she was the ‘clean-your-plate-or-else-and-here-is-another-piece-of-fried-chicken-now-clean-your-plate’ type, and I was a pudgy Grandma pleaser).
I’d come a long way in personal grooming and fashion faux-pas over the years, but as I prepared to air my shameful evidence, I remembered the girl I had been quite clearly. With a great deal of vulnerability, I revealed the 6th grade start of what I titled ‘my ugly decade’ to a room full of grown women.
As I shared that photo with the room full of women there were gasps of shock – not at my photo, but at the bravery to share it. You see, I think that almost everyone in that room would have had a similar photo. Maybe not as bad as my failed poodle-like fluffy bangs perm, but a photo or a moment or a place in our history that we felt ashamed of, something we’d hide away hoping that no one would ever find it. There was solidarity and compassion in that group of women.
When I returned to my parents’ house, I told my mama about my successful talk and the photo and the ugly decade. I will never forget the confused, injured look on her face as she uttered six weighty words – but Ellen, you were always beautiful.
To be clear – I was awkward, clumsy, creative in my fashion choices, and the photo was pretty bad. But my mother – the one who knew my very heartbeat, who loved me before I was born, saw past hairstyles, extra weight, awful clothes (ranging from Miami-vice pastels to Seattle-grunge) and she saw what was real. Instead of awkward, she saw me growing into who I was created to be. And she called it beautiful. I understand it better now that I watch my daughter. I can’t believe her to be anything but beautiful, even when I’m frustrated or tired or wondering how in the world she could push one.more.button. My Sweet Girl is full of potential. She is bursting at the seams with joy, laughter, compassion, giftings, and unique treasures yet to be discovered.
There was a shifting in that moment with my mama, when I began to realize that when I made comparisons and found myself sadly lacking, I had missed the good, the beautiful. I did not understand that as I longed to be magazine-thin, perfectly dressed, with shampoo-commercial hair, that my confidence and beauty would truly radiate as I grew in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I forget even now, and need reminding.
As I have talked to many gifted, talented, amazing, truly beautiful women, heard prayer requests, and sipped many cups of coffee, I realize that I am not alone. I suspect that many of us feel like that bad school photo or experience defines us, and we need to hear this truth – you, friend, have always been beautiful. Exactly how you are. You were created that way. Your smile, your laugh, your compassion, your mind, your heart – they make you undeniably lovely.
If no one else has ever told you, please know that although I might not have laid eyes on you, I know the One who made your heart beat, and I’ve read what He says about you. I know that from the very first moment of your life, and for every moment in between, you have been beautiful in a way that cannot begin to compare with anyone else. You are beautifully, uniquely you and we need you just as you are. Shine on, friend.
Oh, and you know what, looking back at that awkward photo? The one you don’t want anyone to see? You were awesome even then. And it might just be that you really did rock that perm.
LOVE this… and yes – such bravery and braveness in letting others in with such a visual – but oh so powerful too, I am sure! Visiting from Holley’s today! Glad we could pour out a little Coffee for Your Heart together today!
Hello Karrilee – So very good to meet you and ‘have coffee’! Loved your blog post today as well! Thank you for sharing your heart… this is such a tender issue!
Ellen – I’m going to be weirdly brave in my response to this in hopes that it is encouraging especially to parents and friends. The weird part is that I actually don’t identify with how you felt in that photo. Somehow the people in my life helped me to feel beautiful even when I was going through awkward stages. There’s lots I am insecure about–don’t get me wrong–and need to hear this message in those areas of my life, but I guess I just want to encourage people to know that they can help others feel beautiful. May we all offer that to the people we meet each day.
Susan – I am SO GLAD you shared! You know, the funny thing is that at the time I didn’t actually realize my own awkward. (does that make sense?) I was so blessed with encouraging people around me as well. However, it was in the looking back in my teens & early twenties that I realized how very awkward I had really been – and where I felt this ‘ugly truth’ set in. So yes, yes, yes – encouragement to parents and friends to know that your words are powerful and you can have an enormous impact on others’ perceptions of themselves!
Dear Ellen… Just beautiful!!! I love it!
Thank you, Migdaliz! I am so honoured to have you join me here – thank you!
Sweet, sweet Ellen,
Thank you for your vulnerability, and the way you articulate so “beautifully” 🙂 what a lot of us have faced and continue to face. On those days which are of particular struggle, we need that reminder that Jesus loves us and sees us as beautiful – ALWAYS. I am blessed with people in my life who have always been an encouragement and I can see Jesus’ love through them. But it’s still a struggle sometimes. Thanks for the reminder!
Oh Lynette – and you are so very beautiful. Truly. Miss you, roomie.
Ellen,
I also believe that even the most “beautiful” celebrity has that “ugly” picture. But we also have those “beautiful” pictures that show exterior beauty, but memories behind it can tell another story. I am lucky and blessed to understand that beauty does not have to be difficult, but rather easy when we accept it as the Word of God. Thank you for the reminder and encouragement.
Beatriz – you’re so very right. And so very welcome! Thank you for visiting!
Dear Ellen,
what a nice blog!
There were immediately about a dozen 1990s photos of myself that came to my mind and about which I had the same feelings you had about yours. And like you, I didn’t feel awkward then (although I never thought of myself as “beautiful”) – that feeling of awkwardness and embarrassment only came several years later. To the contrary, I wanted to be different, wanted to make a statement not using any make-up, wearing alternative (“Öko” in German), colourful baggy pants and no-heel, wide Camel shoes, wide shirts (figure-hugging stuff? NEVER!), lots of necklaces and braceletes (self-made of course) and, most of all, HUGE, VERY HUGE circular glasses! 🙂
My parents never really made any comments in the direction of me being beautiful, but my grandma did, saying that she particularly liked my eyes (I still remember this very heart-warming moment when she said that). What I really appreciate though is that my parents did not make fun of me at the time, making jokes about my style (although it must have been hard not to do so). They were tolerant, and my mum waited patiently at the optician when I insisted that they need to order that specific type of glasses I was looking for (which, surprise, surprise, was not part of their regular stock).
Looking back, the most surprising thing is that at the time, in 1993, I made a memorable trip to Munich, to the “Kirchentag” (Church Congress), where I met this fantastic guy with curly, longish hair, also huge glasses, and a weird sense of humour that matched my own so well. I fell in love with him the very minute I saw him. You, Ellen, know exactly what I’m talking about, because you were there with me in Munich.
However, the last thing I had expected was that this feeling was mutual, as I simply could not imagine that someone would fall in love with me. With ME, the way I looked?! I only found out two years later, after the next Church Congress in Hamburg. And it took another four years before we finally got together. He had been able to see beyond my out outward appearance, which definitely was not “attractive” in a traditional sense.
To cut things short: Here we are now, married for 8 years, and a little daughter at our side. I can’t wait for her to detect these photos and to see the shock in her eyes, followed by giggling about how her mother once looked like. And her smile when I tell her our story.
Oh Steffi – I know what you’re talking about! 🙂 So grateful for the freedom to grow through all our stages as we discover who we are (and I suspect we don’t really discover it – we just keep figuring it out as we go!). Thank you for sharing your memories – it was so fun to read.