A number of years ago, I picked up Mary Beth Chapman’s book, Choosing to SEE. Her transparency in sharing her story – in a remarkably refreshing, authentic way – was so encouraging to me. It was also a bit startling, to be honest. I’ve worked with authors, publishing, and personalities since 2000, and it is rare to see such vulnerability from those living a very public life. Getting a first-hand account of marriage, parenting, loss, fame, and all the challenges and celebrations in-between was also beautiful, and so encouraging to me as a leader. Such a relief to know that my beloved and I are normal in loving each other deeply but clearly not having it all together or being immune to heartache.
The most tender part of the book was Mary Beth’s adoption story of meeting her daughter for the first time. I remember reading it and weeping just before we started our own adoption journey. When we met our own sweet girl for the first time, Mary Beth’s narrative was running through my mind. There is something that is a bit unexplainable about how we become parents through adoption (not just on paper, but soul-deep) – a fierceness of love that I don’t think can be adequately be put into words. When we just about lost our daughter just months after she came home, I realized how fierce it really is. I think Mary Beth gets it.
Mary Beth’s husband, Steven Curtis Chapman, is releasing his own book on March 7th, and it’s truly a great book. It would have made sense to pick it because it’s brand new! However, I just couldn’t stop thinking about Choosing to SEE, and how personally it impacted me, so it became my Ellen’s Picks choice for January / February. All our lovely community members received a copy along with a package of tissues because it’s not an easy story to engage without some tears.
Through the pages of Choosing to SEE, Mary Beth started to feel like a friend to me. Someone I could be my authentic, imperfect self with. So, I thought for our Ellen’s Picks linkup this month, I’d ask her some questions – you know, friend to friend. If you choose to read this book (and I hope you will) you might just want an update on how her story has continued to unfold, so here it is!
From Mary Beth:
- You’ve chosen to be really honest in your book. It was refreshing to me as a leader in ministry – but I think that this could be terrifying for others considering it. What has the response been?
I’m going to tell you a secret. In writing the book, I really felt like God asked me to write my story. He gave me my personal story to tell with all the hard, ugly bumpy not-so-neat parts, so I told it and I didn’t really search out responses from it. The responses and letters that found their way to me were “thank yous” for being honest and vulnerable, which was very encouraging.
Would you write the book the same way if you had to do it all over again?
Yes…. It was hard, but it’s the only way I could do it.
- As an adoptive mom, I especially appreciated your candidness about the day you met Shaoey and becoming her mom. What do you most want people to know about adoption?
Most people usually want to talk about the feelings toward biological children and adoptive children and how is it the same? How is it different?
- After Chapter 22 – May 21, 2008, your book and your story change dramatically – even the font and your writing style. Looking back now, what is the biggest shift you’ve seen in your own perspective over the past 9 years?
Yay! You noticed the font and the style… it makes me happy that you noticed. The biggest shift for me personally is that May 21, 2008, still feels very real and relevant and present in my life. That is hard when all of your friends have moved on. Don’t get me wrong. That is what happens and it is totally normal…I feel like I’ve done a lot of great grief work along the way, but Maria is still my daughter and so what happened is in the front of my mind all the time. I wish it could be different. The Chapman’s new normal is that we live with this huge hole in our Chapman puzzle and there will always be a missing piece. Truth be told, it’s a very lonely place to walk because no one gets it… I’m just plain and simply still struggling. Sure, we have so much to be thankful for and God has carried us through, I don’t like it, though. I wish it could have been different. This is where faith comes into play – faith that there is coming a day where there are no more tears. And where Maria is with us.
- What would you tell those who are reading this today, serving in leadership, facing hard things they never imagined they’d have to deal with publicly?
Dealing with it publicly is really difficult. We made a decision together as a family to walk through it all together and that we could model “grieving with hope” to the public at large. It was really, really difficult and we did the best we knew how. Sometimes I’m sad that everything was so public… it feels like we gave up something that we could’ve kept to ourselves. That sounds selfish, but when I look back and get caught up in missing her so badly, I have to be honest and wish we had some of those very public moments to ourselves. Obviously, though, God does amazing things and gives people amazing strength to do the unheard of, and so we trust that God didn’t waste any of our public pain and that people were touched and changed through watching us.
- Is there anything else you want us to know since your book ends in 2010? Can you give us an update?
First and foremost, Will Franklin is doing amazing well. Sure there are hard days, but he met an amazing girl, Jillian, married her and they have been married for over four years now. He is in a band called Colony House with his brother Caleb and they are really doing well. Jillian is also a singer/songwriter and she is a gift direct from God and cares for him so well. Caleb is married to Julia and they have a son, Noble Day. Emily is married to Tanner and they have three little girls now. Eiley Eliza, Della Rosamond, and Verity Lou. Shaoey is looking for a place to call college… she is a junior in high school and wants to put the decision to rest! Stevey Joy is growing up as a 14-year old now and loving life. Four grandchildren keep SCC and I really busy as does my work at Show Hope. Steven is out on tour and is getting ready to release a book himself. It’s his story and I couldn’t be more excited for him. Click for more info.
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This book came at a time where I was walking through difficulties. Even though it was very different than May Beth’s I was so encouraged by her transparency and willingness to wrestle in the dark. I shed many tears reading it and was touched deeply. Life is so rarely what we plan for and this book sheds light in to one woman’s journey and articulates beautifully the nuances of following Christ in a deeply broken world.
I think that the transparency of her story is so encouraging – and rare. So glad this came at the right time, Shaila. xo
Ellen,
I loved this book the first time I read it and this time. I was so sad when I left it on a plane and didn’t get to finish it years ago. I love Mary Beth. Her honesty and openness about so many things inspires me. She and the family truly are teaching our generation to grieve in hope, yet being able to hurt. Sometimes in the church people can want you to “get over it” too soon when you’ve gone through deep hurt because we believe in miracles. I believe in miracles, but I recognize that they sometimes take a long time to be experienced and other times God reserves them for heaven. I think Mary Beth’s book makes it ok to laugh, ok to cry, ok to question, ok to hope, ok to trust.
I just want to say that the most powerful thing to me in the book was when Caleb ran after his brother. I’m tearing up as I type. To me that’s a type of the Father. I see it in the parable of the lost sheep or the lost coin. It’s the Father in the parable of the prodigal son. He’s running after us, never letting us go. I’m so glad Will let himself be caught and that he’s doing so well today! Makes my heart burst!
Thanks for writing Mary Beth and thanks for sending me this book Ellen!
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Wonderful! Your review on your blog is fantastic – I think you really “got” this book and Mary Beth’s story – along with the whole Chapman family! So glad you’re part of this community!
It’s been interesting re-reading Mary Beth’s story while reading Stephen’s book. The one thing they both have in common is mystery. I don’t think either will ever understand that horrific day of losing Maria and the ongoing grief of it this side of heaven. They’ve had to learn to make peace with that. I took away from this that life and following Jesus is complex. And sometimes there are no simple answers. I remember talking to Dale Lang, whose son was shot and killed at school in Taber, AB following the Columbine massacre. Even though he saw God do great things through the national platform that his son’s death gave him, his heart was still that he would rather have his son back. He even had people pray for him prior to the shooting and tell him that God was going to give him a national platform to speak to young people. He could never have imagined the price he’d have to pay for that to happen. God sees this life and its events so differently than us. I pray daily that He would give me His perspective because so often, I just don’t understand. But every once in a while, He pulls back the curtain and I begin to see this crazy world from a completely new place. And I love that! But it doesn’t always happen. I love that Mary Beth challenges us to sit in the place of not understanding – because I think so many of us quietly live there. If that’s you, then please know you are not alone. This life is complex and difficult, but as my friends in the majority world have taught me, we live for the day when He will wipe away every tear from our eye. Bless you all!
Such good perspective, Cheryl! xo
WOW. What a powerful perspective Cheryl. Thanks for posting.
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
In the midst of lots of tears (this was an emotional read) and the recalling of a story that is every parent’s worst nightmare, this book is about hope – hope that God leads and directs, and goes before His people. There was a resounding confidence in God’s purposes and His sovereign control. As Mary Beth explained how God led them to adoption and all the unbelievable evidences that God was calling them and leading them every step of the way, the reader can believe with them, that God will continue to lead and direct and be their sovereign Lord. MaryBeth wrote about real family life, real emotions, real questions that face every believer who walks through dark valleys. Her vulnerability draws the reader into her story giving us a small glimpse of the joys and sorrows of her life and the family members as well.
On page 196 when Marybeth responded to Shaoey’s and Stevey Joy’s question – “Mom, why is it so hard living without Maria?” …”It’s not fair, I know!” I said. “There are lots of things that don’t seem fair, and they’re so hard. But girls, God has asked us to do hard. It really stinks and I wish we didn’t have to, but this is what our family has been called to. If we all stick together, we can do hard.”
I loved her response and her unrelenting conviction that God was in this story calling them to do something incredibly hard but they could do this thing. Even through the pain there was a sense of God’s presence and calling on their lives.
“Christianity doesn’t deny the reality of suffering and evil…Our hope…is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather it is based on the conviction we will triumph over pain and suffering.” Brennan Manning pg 197
Many of us will never be asked “to do hard” the way Marybeth and her family have been called. In those areas of life that seem harder than we ever imagined or anticipated, I pray that I will be able to accept and settle down into those hard places with peace, knowing this is what He is calling me to.
It is really emotional, isn’t it? I think that the hard story combined with an authentic writing voice makes this even more vulnerable and “hitting home.” Thank you so much for your thoughts, Deb!
This is not the first time I have read “Chosen to See’, as I had read it before not long after it’s initial release. The second time reading this however has been so much richer. I so appreciated her raw authenticity in which she wrote this book. I can’t imagine for one second that that would be easy. To open yourself up like that would require such dependency on God in allowing yourself to become so vulnerable and then to walk in that place of humility before others. In that vulnerability though, so many of us can relate to struggle and hardship, with family and in marriage, etc… and it affects us, it shows us that we are not alone in struggle. I related to her story of adoption in that I am an adoptee and loved hearing her adoptive mothers heart. My heart broke for this family who had and is walking such a difficult road in the loss of a child. Only God’s grace could keep them going and you really see that in her writings. But you know what seemed to touch me most as I read this book? It is when after the accident happened, they are driving to the hospital, and Steven Curtis sees his son Will broken and hurting: “Will Franklin!” Steven yelled at the top of his voice, though he wouldn’t even remember this later. “Just remember, your father loves you!” pg. 144. What a powerful statement and example of a father’s love! I wept when I read that. It reminded me of the Lord, who in our brokenness and pain and even in our wrong doing, He looks at us and says “Tracey, just remember, your father loves you!”. Glory! May the father’s love for them continue to carry them through the difficult roads that life will bring their way. It really is our only hope and when we choose to see it that way, there is so much more victory.
So good, Tracey! I didn’t know you were an adoptee! We’ll have much to talk about when we finally get to have that coffee with each other in person. Such a good quote – and yes, so true. What a profound example of a father’s love. xo
I love reading stories…real life stories of real people and Mary Beth is so…real! I laughed and cried and reflected on some of my own journey with grief. I can’t imagine losing a child and so admire how Mary Beth allowed us into her pain. Her transparency was helpful in understanding better how to respond to those that are grieving. I was so moved by the stories of adoption and the courage and sacrifice the Chapman’s and other families made to bring these precious children home. The Lord demonstrates again how He works out His good purposes in our pain. Thank you for this beautiful book. It was my vacation favourite:).
He really does work out His good purposes in our pain, doesn’t He? So glad you enjoyed it on vacation! 🙂