A few years ago, a list of influential Canadian Christian women was published online. It was interesting, and fun to see friends’ names on it, but with only 100 spots available and an Ontario-based focus, it was just a start (which was humbly acknowledged by the author). Droves of names got added after the fact, in the comments, and I loved seeing women “nominating” other women this way. Still though, a lot of amazing leaders across the country didn’t make the list. I suspect there were people who felt passed over. I think even I thought, “of course, I wouldn’t be on a list like this.”
And that’s exactly why I chose Without Rival by Lisa Bevere to be our Ellen’s Picks book this summer. If women who lead would read only chapter four, I think it would be worth the price of the book. In those pages, she shares her own story of not making a Top 100 List. A list she really wanted to be part of. I loved that, even for a woman who had published many bestselling books, who preached and taught all over the world, and was enormously high profile, she had a day of feeling less-than because of being excluded by others. (Others, I might add – that she didn’t even know or care about the opinion of. We’re weird like that, aren’t we?)
I loved the recalling of Lisa’s frenzied conversations about not being on the list. With her husband (who gave no sympathy) and her conversation with a friend (who was on the list), looking for some sympathy. I loved her realization that the cruelty of comparison, and looking to others for affirmation made her forget that she was created and equipped uniquely, without rival.
The reality is, when you’re in leadership there is always some kind of list, and no shortage of opportunity to compare yourself to others, and be compared to others. We live in a world who pits us as rivals even while delivering accolades. A world that neglects our God-given uniquenesses, classifying and comparing us.
When I was 23, I left for the mission field the second time. In between terms with Operation Mobilization, I had been fully embraced by my church, especially for worship ministry. I loved to sing, and they loved having me sing. After a farewell during a service at the church, a woman I didn’t really know approached me. She was about 10 years older than me, married and with a family. She actually said to me, “I am glad you’re leaving. Now maybe some of the rest of us will get a chance to sing.” How do you respond to that? Thanks?
I have no idea whether that dear, honest sister in the Lord ever did sing in church. I don’t know how others would have compared our voices. I know that her words have stuck with me though, not as a hurt but as a reminder. A reminder that someone likely sees me as a rival at any time, even when I’m just doing what God has asked me to do. And that rivalry is hurting them – not me. I’ve tried hard (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not see other women as rivals, but to choose to champion their calls, because I believe deeply that there is room at the table for all of us, even if there might be only 100 spots on “the list.”
Without Rival pulls great Biblical examples of how we serve a God without rival, are called to a promise and calling without rival, and are in a long line of uniquely called and equipped God-followers like David who faced great rivals. I think that, especially as women who lead (or maybe just as women), we need to know these truths deep down, because knowing the truth will set us free to live and lead, without rival.
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Thanks for your wise words, Ellen. Indeed we are without rival in the eyes of our Saviour. The problem is….we buy into the comparison game so quickly. I remember feeling inadequate in kindergarten. My worth was measured in what my mom packed for my snack! I was mortified that I had homemade cookies and my friends had wagon wheels! The fact that I can even recall this speaks to my deep need to belong and the truth that the need cannot be filled apart from Christ’s apparency in my life. I speak of apparency because He IS THERE…and Apparently I am unaware at times! This book is a great reminder for us all.
The joy of life gets lost as soon as we take our eyes off of Jesus.
Ha! I absolutely get your reference – and funny enough, I am even tempted now to worry about my daughter being measured by her kindergarten snacks (there’s heavy pressure to bring healthy snacks in JK / SK!). Thank you so much for your thoughts!
So good. So good!
It’s about time that we celebrate each other and paralyze the attacks of rivalry. Disarming satan’s attacks on our minds and friendships and sisterhood. I love when Lisa Bevere writes “You, daughter, are called to a life without rival…bought with a sacrifice without rival” (243) That is an incredible tagline to remember and live out. This book is a great reminder of who we really are in Christ AND most importantly who God is (re-read pages 39-41) when you are having a bad day and I’m sure breath from heaven will fill your lungs and focus your eyes on the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit!!
Ellen, thank you for sharing this gem with us!
Yes, yes, yes! I love how this stood out to you…we absolutely serve and love and are loved by a God without rival. That makes all the difference! xo
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I enjoyed reading this book and was challenged on various occasions to go back and look at Scripture to substantiate Lisa’s point of view on various topics. Her writing style is engaging and her personal illustrations helped me to understand her heart.
Chapter 8, entitled Deep Wells and Wishing Wells particularly motivated me.
First of all, it started out with a Spurgeon quotation and I’m a big Spurgeon fan.
“Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.” (p. 175) and “I’ve learned to kiss the wave that slammed me into the rock.” (p. 176)
In my early days as a Christian, the trials were elementary-school style. Bit by bit, I learned to lean on God’s faithfulness. And now, in my later years, the trials are university style and truly do define the authenticity or lack thereof of my faith. I would not for a minute say that I am exactly where Spurgeon was when he said he has learned to kiss the wave that slammed him into the rock. I can say that I look back with gratitude on the maturing of my trust in the One who makes no mistakes, is always faithful and is directing the waves. In hindsight, I think we are always grateful for the lessons learned in high waves. But I have also come to see that it is not only in the unsettling storms that we can learn the faith we will need, but also in the hard work of going deep with God in days of calm that enable us to weather the storm.
Secondly, this speaks to a fear of mine as I’m entering into my more senior years. Lisa said it well when she said, “I want to be a deep well, and yet there are times and areas in my life where I still resemble more of a puddle.” (p. 182)
Becoming a deep well takes intentionality and time. And I’ve put in time but have I put in time in all the right places? At the beginning of the book, Lisa said, “Far too many of us are satisfied with a revelation of God that is best described as crusts and crumbs. We are content to listen to sermons, tune in to podcasts, issue “likes” on Facebook and Instagram posts, and retweet the leftovers of another person’s banquet.” (p. 36) I could say, I have ridden and relied on the teachings of my husband over these past 30 years of sitting under his ministry. It was always easy for me to run my thoughts by what I admiringly called “my live-in Bible Dictionary and Commentary.” It was easier than doing the digging and reading on my own. (“After all, I am very busy. Just give me the Readers Digest version.”) Now I worry that my knowledge and understanding of God will not be sufficient when I am alone and cannot rely on my husband’s years of study. I may drown in the shallows. J.I. Packer has said that the church in North America is 3,000 miles wide and half an inch deep. We can understand why our faith can be so shallow. I know I need to go deeper, think more clearly, and take time to listen more intently if I want to be a deep well that is able to live life to the refreshment and encouragement of others all to the glory of Christ.
Thirdly, this chapter draws attention to the challenge of finishing well. Who doesn’t want to do that? The realization that the race could be over at any moment is sobering. I have lived with the fact that my husband’s race could be over in the not so distant future. So why do I live in the disillusionment that I still have plenty of time to give myself to digging deep?
Deb, your heart is beautiful. Thank you so much for processing your thoughts and articulating them so well here – it reveals to me that you are far more of a well than a puddle than you may even realize. 🙂 As someone a little bit behind you, this challenges me – I need to be living as a deep well – drawing from the deep well of Jesus – even in the season I’m in. Thank you! xo
I loved this book and study so much that we did it with our C4 Women Connect ladies that meet weekly on Wednesday mornings. The interactions around the tables were deep as this study allows you to get real about your own fears and insecurities. I loved seeing women encourage each other reminding them of who they really are because of Jesus! We wrestled through the challenges that have arisen in the church regarding women and how it’s created tension not just with men but also between women. We celebrated each other and many rose up to a new strength in their relationship with God and others. Thanks for sharing this resource.
Fantastic! I am so glad it was helpful to you – and others! Awesome!
Ellen,
I love how the book impacted you. I thought that chapter was awesome too. They all were! I want to thank you for championing the call of so many women. We are better and more able to fulfill the call of God on our lives because of your influence in our lives. You have blessed me and encouraged me in so many ways. Praying God continues to anoint you for the work He has called you to.
Much love,
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Hi Ellen! And all:)
I’ve just finished “Without Rival” by Lisa Bevere and offer a bit of a mixed review to be honest. I would so love a full-hearted discussion to better have a bit of back-and-forth among the women who have also read the book but in the meantime will offer up my own personal point of view.
I take away some great advice from chapter 5. Lisa challenges us to see the stress and difficulties we encounter in leadership to be opportunities for growth. She wisely reminds us that we are not responsible for how others see us but we are always responsible for our reaction. She says this in the context of “not seeing others as rivals”. This is SUCH a good reminder when we, as leaders, are often wired to be competitive. I think I’m still figuring out what “healthy competition” looks like in the area of Christian ministry. With some limited experience, I do know what it looks like in long distance running. I often feel spurred on to do my best race when my peers are doing well but in the area of Christian ministry it’s just too easy to count myself as less experienced and intimidated when others around me seem to have “made it” in the industry. So being reminded that we r uniquely designed with ‘room for everyone at the table’ is very heartening:)
Chapter 6 was difficult for me. Here Lisa describes a Christian culture where women are subordinate to men when it comes to teaching and leading and even goes on to comment on how I, the reader need to come out from under these limits I put on myself because I am a woman. Wow – really? Does this thinking still exist? It’s so sad if it does. To be honest if we, as women are still inside the walls of these churches that “do church life” this way – we need to leave them. A church that has this type of subculture is so out of touch with secular reality. These type of “men lead, women listen” churches are so easily dismissed by our non-churched friends as completely irrelevant institutions. I repeat – the easiest way for my non-churched friend to see church as irrelevant is to experience it as an archaic institution that treats women as second class citizens. I don’t even want to pray for this to stop I just want to walk up the aisle – only once – and say “stop this” and move on -go to a different church and hope all my non-churched female friends who so desperately need a safe place to explore a possible relationship with Jesus, follow me.
Chapter 9&10 were so absolutely INTERESTING!! Photina and Thecla?!? Wow! I’ve never read any Christian non-fiction that takes such liberties – putting such weight on extra-scriptural stories/legends like this. Interesting, very very interesting!
I would so welcome any thoughts or comments that spring up based on my thoughts and comments. Robust, open and varied discussion is always the best! Let me know what YOU think:)!
Rose – Awesome thoughts! I think you’d enjoy reading one of our previous picks – Fully Alive. https://www.ellengrafmartin.com/fully-alive-ellens-pick-link and probably another one – Extraordinary Women of Christian History (it starts with a biography of Thecla!).
Love your takeaways – and YES! Chapter 5 is a huge reason I picked this book. I think it’s far too easy to feel less-than or pressured to compete rather than to celebrate and welcome the unique giftings and opportunities others receive.
The subject of Chapter 6 is one I’ve wrestled with (as you’ll see in my Fully Alive post) because I do believe we need to honour those who have walked before us, and extend grace, confidently, in love. I also realize that other very faithful friends have come to totally different conclusions than mine – and I really love them! It’s not easy and I wrestle with it regularly! Today one of my Bible readings was Romans 14 – and it speaks in a HUGE way to this. In the meanwhile, I will just live out my unique calling.
Rose,
I hear you girl!!!! I am shocked that people still have these ancient mindsets but sadly they still do exist. Thankfully they are breaking down. It is deplorable that the world is ahead of us in this area. Sad that the church has not seen God’s value in women like the world has. No getting around it, it’s wrong. I know my church denomination has a mandate to destroy this faulty mindset. At camp this year the Academic Dean of our largest Bible College spoke and repeated how our denomination believes women should be unrestricted in their ministerial callings and vocations. They even held a symposium on the topic, produced CD’s and are teaching the students so this mindset is not passed down.
I’m glad Ellen suggested for you to read the books she did. Because I’m not a part of the Orthodox churches I didn’t even know about her. I had no clue that this woman existed as a contemporary of Paul and that for centuries she has been regarded as a saint. I don’t put my faith in people, but it was encouraging tome to understand that this woman’s life and ministry were fact, not fiction or legend. God has been using women since day one 🙂
Great to connect with you again.
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Sorry I’m late in doing this…summer vacation got in the way!
I love the concept of us as daughters of the King being without rival for many reasons, but there are two that really stand out for me. First, I know I am not alone in having experienced the hurtful, alienating impact of women comparing themselves to one another, competing with one another, and seeing one another as threats instead of allies. I remember a commercial that was on tv when I was a teen – I don’t even remember what the product was – where two young women are sitting on a bench in a mall, and a gorgeous, flawless woman walks by in slow motion, long flowing hair blowing in the breeze, and the two friends look at each other and say “fat ankles”. It was supposed to be humorous, but it made me sad then, and it makes me sad now…because in society we as women have been socialized to do that to each other. The enemy gets to steal, kill and destroy us by perpetuating this idea of women as competition…as rivals. But it’s not what God intends, and we as women could impact the world so much more than we already do if that just stopped!
Second, being without rival in terms of my identity in Christ means a level of security, significance and belonging for me (and all my sisters!!) that is unshakeable, immutable and more stable than anything else I could ever imagine. Which opens me up to receive all that He has for me in Him. While the book was full of gems, my favourite part was when Lisa Bevere unpacked how love is the opposite of fear. That all the things we fear as women, that I have feared as a woman, are direct attacks of the enemy designed to distract me from Christ’s love…and that it is in His love that I get all I need to stand against the lies of fear. It’s such a simple truth, and not even a new one, but it’s one of those mercies that is “new every morning” to me, as there is no end to what it means to be loved, and consequently without fear, and without rival. It’s such a freeing place to be, not worrying about “what the cool girls think” because it’s not about them, it’s about Him!
Thanks for sharing this book with us and for modelling what it means to live out this reality, Ellen!
I’m so glad that you shared your thoughts – you are so dead on. I remember that commercial!!! We can waste so much time trapped in fear, can’t we? Love how you process things, friend! xo
I must apologize for my delayed response to book “Without Rival”; better late then never!! This book came to me at a great time and I really enjoyed it and found that it spoke right into my heart. It seems that the last two books we have read (this and “Fierce Hearted”) have been speaking right into my situation and a struggle that I have been in this year. Rivalry can be a struggle for all women not just for those in leadership or ministry. We all tend towards the comparison trap and I find that things like social media, etc.. fuel that fire within us. I seek to be a woman that is free in her walk no matter how ‘important’ or ‘influential’ I view my role as. The following segment spoke to me very strongly:
“…. far too many are content to allow the shallow confines of what they do or what they have or even who they love to define them. But it is foolish to tie your identity to something that could be easily taken away from you. Jobs change and skills can be lost and things can be stolen. Even important relationships can be stripped from us. What you have and what you do and who surrounds you can change, but it is the vitally important that you never lose who you are and the Creator to whom you belong.” (pg 25)
Why is it that we feel that those are things that make us successful or look good? Those things are so temporary and, like Lisa mentioned, can be stripped away. If we put our worth and value in temporary things then we are standing on some pretty shaky ground, but when I am walking close to the Lord and resting in His love and who He has made me to be, that is so freeing and the temptation for rivalry is not as strong, there is a freedom to celebrate the victories of others and to view others as a strength!
Thank you Ellen for sending this book along. May the Lord continue to grow and speak to all of us!