This fall I was scratching out answers on a government form – name, date & place of birth. Standard stuff. Then, gender, to which there were five possible answers, plus an “other” checkbox. We are living in new times, friends. I’m still sorting out what I think about this, especially as the mother of a girl-child.
My friend Leanne recently told me “I believe everyone has their own theology,” and I think it’s true. I long for clarity and constructive conversation rather than conflict and confusion as I sort out what I really believe on topics my grandparents and great-grandparents never had to consider. When I first cracked the cover of Larry Crabb’s Fully Alive, I saw it as far more than a book on gender or feminism or theological debate. It was a truly compassionate, deep look (from a seasoned psychologist’s perspective) at how we might live out what Irenaeus originally wrote, “The glory of God is a human being made fully alive.”
As an adoptive mom, people say a lot of crazy stuff to me, and that’s just the way things are. No big deal, most of the time. One of the most offensive things that anyone has said to me about my daughter was that she was “more like a boy” because she’s strong, active, busy and loves to climb and wrestle. Friends, that is how God made her. In His image. She’s also tender and nurturing and compassionate. She loves baby dolls and snuggles and puppies. She is not a tomboy or a girly girl. She’s uniquely created and wonderfully made. She is who she is. The end. I hate that stereotypes – cultural pieces, not God-ordained – define what makes us feminine or masculine. I wrestle with figuring out how to teach her how to live fully alive, just as she is.
In short: I needed this book.
I was raised on the granola west-coast to be a strong female, just because that’s who I was. I was so fortunate to have parents that believed I could do just about anything and encouraged me to try (except sports or physics – that is not how I’m wired.) I’m realizing now how remarkable that really is. The late 70’s and 1980’s were not necessarily a time that understood what it means to be a truly feminine “ezer kenegdo”, or powerful, uniquely relational, companion. There was a slightly scary undercurrent of culture that communicated to me that women must be better than men and prove something. Anything. Something both fearful and fierce.
Now I live in a small town where a large portion of our community live in very specific gender roles, with a firm belief that they’re God-ordained. There are some very clear expectations around men and around women. It’s been interesting to see how shocked some have been to know that I can cook, sew and be president of a marketing agency, all at the same time.
Talk about confusing contexts to figure out a theology. Both offer such a disconnectedness – how do you live out a joy-filled marriage in either? It’s my experience that there is misery in always setting out to prove oneself, or in stifling deep callings.
What does it mean to be fully alive as a male or female for the glory of God?
Thankfully, Crabb offers a third way, the Fully Alive way, acknowledging gender differences, but not attaching a less-than or greater-than value to them. His words felt sympathetic and kind like he was wrestling right alongside me as I read. He addressed barriers to living Biblically feminine and masculine, with a counselor’s compassion and insight into human nature.
Larry’s story of his parents, fully carrying out their male & female stereotypical roles, but expressing feeling small, useless and insignificant in their senior years, is what drew me in. As some of the very special people in my life age, I’ve heard the same words from others. I wonder who they might have been, what they might have done, if they would have been able to or chosen to live fully alive, as image bearers of God.
I want to reach my senior years feeling like I did what I was created to do. I want my daughter to feel it even more so.
You see, ultimately, all I care about in my theology of gender for my baby girl – or for any of my friends and family – is that they have the opportunity to be who they were created to be. We are gendered, we are different, and we were meant to live fully. Created in the image of God, for the glory of God. We are His masterpiece – masculine or feminine.
Loading InLinkz ...If you enjoyed this post, you may like On Simply Tuesday
Great post Ellen…Am I aloud to just say. “What she said…?” 🙂
Here is a little of my story:
About ten years ago, I left our church building after I had just preached that Sunday’s sermon. I was then serving as Associate Pastor of Living Waters Church in Fort Langley, BC. and my husband and I walked to our mini-van. I always feel somewhat vulnerable after I preach and working through my insecurity, I said to Darcy, “I Preach like a Girl!”
Now the instant I made this statement, I knew it was negative, and it became a life moment for me. (Have you ever had one of those?) That single statement uncovered my biases, my self-doubt and maybe even some self-hatred of myself as a woman in leadership.
I was raised in a church where it was great to be female. Our pastors wholeheartedly believed that women were equipped and free to respond to God’s call in their lives. I was given opportunities early; leading worship in my youth group at the age of 12. (Seriously.) My first sermon to adults was delivered at the age of 14! I can’t imagine if anything I said was that profound…but the church was a safe place to try and to explore.
That experience shaped me and nurtured the call of God on my life, and I was certain I was called to pastoral ministry. I was not called to be a children’s minister, or a minister to women, or a counsellor, but as a preacher, a pastor to both women and men.
I did not have any role models I could see…a woman strong in ministry, but also married and raising a family. The call of God to leadership was relentless. Now I tend to go through life like a puppy, thinking everyone will love me. It wasn’t until I hit pastoral ministry as a young naïve wife that I realized that the role of women in the church is kind of complicated.
I quickly realized I was serving in a “man’s world” and looking back; I now see that I minimized my femininity to get by…because deep down I believed that my feminine traits were a liability to me in ministry. That makes me sad.
I just finished reading Fully Alive: A Biblical Vision of Gender that Frees Men and Women to Live Beyond Stereotypes by Dr. Larry Crabb. I appreciated Dr. Crabb’s question, “Can a woman serve others in a different way than a man, with a different relational energy, whether she’s preaching from behind a pulpit or hugging children in an orphanage?” (pg.37) I would answer a wholehearted YES!
In the last decade I have come to realize that it is in my femininity that my greatest strengths lie. Ten years ago, in the mini-van, when I said “I preach like a girl’, my husband answered simply, “Yes, you preach like a girl, cuz you’re a girl.” (So profound that man.) But he went on to say, “And oh how the church needs people who will preach like girls and people who will preach like guys…to show the completeness of who God is!” (Did I mention I love him. Very much.)
That is my hope for women…that they would understand the power of who they are as image bearers. They have an integral part to play in the kingdom, not as secondary “side-kicks,” but as full-fledged members of the body for kingdom purposes.
Now I do have to say that I didn’t agree with everything Dr. Crabb unpacked in his book. I found his description of egalitarianism somewhat stereotypical. The vast majority of egalitarians I know (of which I am one), do not focus on equality alone but are very much interested in exploring our gender uniqueness and what it means to be image bearers together in God’s kingdom. I actually love the image of “complementary,” to describe the sexes and it certainly describes how my husband and I relate and minister and parent. My problem is when it gets fused with hierarchy.
SO yes to the “third way” as you described Ellen!
Leanne McAlister (Rev.) – 🙂
Love it, Rev. McAlister. 🙂 Am I allowed to say “What she said”? Hey, I even quoted you in this blog post! Love this: “That is my hope for women…that they would understand the power of who they are as image bearers. They have an integral part to play in the kingdom, not as secondary “side-kicks,” but as full-fledged members of the body for kingdom purposes.” Yes, yes, yes!
Pastor Leanne! I so relate to what you said. I have spent most of my working life in ministry and I remember at different times how I struggled with what seemed to be an innate chauvinism in many of the men I encountered. That somehow as a woman, I was uniquely gifted in typing, secretarial work etc. but without the other gifts needed for leadership. Yet God was whispering in my ear about leadership and the calling on my life. My breakthrough came when God brought Proverbs 18:16 to my attention: “A man’s gift makes room for him and brings him before great men.” He told me – ‘Cheryl, these are my words and I have editorial control – so I say – a woman’s gift makes a place for her. I want you to remember that, no matter what the people around you think or believe. It’s what I’ve planned for you that matters. And no one will be able to stop My plans for your life from coming to pass.’ He told me to hold onto that whenever it seemed like the people around me didn’t see me as He did. And oh what a wise word that was and how many times I went back to it! It was the foundation of my faith – that it wasn’t up to me to fight for position or compete, but that God would open up the doors for me that He wanted.
Dr. Crabb has opened up an important discussion about the ways that we can represent Jesus in this world through our gender. And I love how he underlines the fact that there is no stereotypical example that we have to live up to – we are unique even in our genders. I’m not the woman with a gift for cooking, decorating or crafts. I did not have the chance to have children. And yet I feel completely in the centre of my callings and giftings as I work in the developing world or host “100 Huntley Street”. And I feel completely feminine. As a journalist, I know so many women in this industry who feel ‘less than’ because they are a different kind of feminine. And I also know many stay at home moms who feel ‘less than’ because they do not have a career. Dr. Crabb has encouraged us to stop comparing ourselves to each other, but to shine brightly in who God created us to be – in our particular genders. We may not agree with every view that he has, but I think the fact that we are talking about it matters greatly! Thanks Ellen for a great pick this month!
I love this – your gifts have SO made room for you, friend. Thanks for your thoughts – and I agree: the fact that we are talking about this matters greatly, not just for us but for those who follow us!
Hey Cheryl – Thanks for this post. I am a little late the the party to reply, but I unplugged completely for the last 2 1/2 weeks! (It was glorious btw.)
I think we struggle when our gifts don’t fit the stereotypes. We feel like an odd-ball and we are also met with suspicion by others. (Who does she think she is?) Did you know that my greatest critics are other women? It always puzzles me. I like your phrase “a different kind of feminine” because it describes what lots of women feel. If women don’t fit the cookie cutter mold of what the church says a feminine women does and is like, they simply exit…and take their kingdom building gifts with them. Very sad.
I love who you are and what you do Cheryl – You are a role model in Canada my friend! Keep being you!!
[…] For Ellen’s full post, click here […]
HI Ladies, I have to say that when I first cracked open the book I was quite hesitant. What theological bent would this book take that would pit one perspective against another. Instead I was pleasantly surprised that it was much different than anticipated and felt like a solid way to approach understanding what it means to be fully human. I was raised in a family that championed my gifts and talents and cheers me on while I take new steps of faith – I am blessed. I enjoyed this book and think it’s a great conversation starter! Thanks Ellen’s Picks!
So glad! I thought it was a bit of a risk – glad that you trusted me and cracked the cover. 🙂 Thanks for joining the conversation!
I have to admit I was reluctant to pick up this book! The topic of gender roles within the church is so controversial and has the potential to significantly raise my blood pressure. Even though I’ve studied gender roles in depth, this was definitely something new. Something challenging and something freeing.
I’ve never thought of myself as a feminine woman. I was a bit of a tomboy growing up (I still am!), and have zero gifting in sewing, crafts, make-up and other typical “girly” things. I’m much more at home on my bike in the mud! As a female Executive Director in a Christian setting I’ve also experienced some of the challenges and prejudices of a typically male world. At many events that I attended with my male colleague I was amused and annoyed to see their assumption that he was the boss and I his PA. I’ve also struggled with various emotions as a new wife, seeing my husband put a higher priority on cleaning than I ever have. I should be grateful that he does (much) more of the cleaning than I do, and yet it somehow manages to make me question my identity as a woman. Have I somehow failed at being a true woman?
Reading this book was the first time I started to think that I actually am feminine and that being a truly feminine woman is something I could aspire to, and might even enjoy. I was intrigued right at the beginning when Dr. Larry Crabb described femininity as “a way of relating that both invites life-giving connection from another and nourishes life-giving relating in another.” (p47) That sounds much more like me than someone dressed in pink and sewing happily at home!
When he started describing the core terrors of a woman I knew he was onto something because I could relate so well. I kept turning to my husband and reading passages to him, saying something like “see I’m normal! I told you I feel like this when …”.
The challenge now is that becoming a truly feminine woman doesn’t actually sound that easy. Appealing? Yes! Achievable? I’m not so sure! I would definitely have preferred a ten step program to follow. The path to becoming a truly feminine woman as laid out by Larry Crabb sounds daunting, painful and long. I’m impatient! I want to get there now. At the same time I can see that God has already taken me part of the way there. Over these last few months I have started to feel the desperate emptiness that Crabb talks of. I haven’t embraced it fully but I’ve started to and this was the encouragement I needed to keep on going. To wait. To surrender. And to look forward to seeing evidence of the Spirit’s working.
Thank you Ellen for once again picking something that I know God wanted me to read at this time!
Isn’t it fascinating how much credit we give stereotypes and how they can hobble us? I’m so glad that this was a book meant just for you in this season! 🙂
Ellen – I was thinking the exact same thing…why do we put people (including ourselves) in these tight little stereotypical boxes? So confining and contrary to all that we know about our incredibly creative God!
Have so appreciated reading everyone’s comments above. I also have served as a Lead Pastor and in other roles less common for women and experienced both subtle and overt opposition and subtle and overt support in these roles. I grew up hanging out with boys (because they were less catty and did cooler stuff) and never envisioned God would break y heart for women and give me glimpses of the amazing ways He is at work around the world. Between my love of Larry Crabb’s books in the past and my interest in creating environments where both men and women can thrive I was excited to crack open this book when it arrived. While there were lots of interesting nuggets I must confess to feeling that he built a fragile argument extrapolated from the original meanings of male and female. Please hear my heart in this as I realize I could sound nit picky. I think he is on to something really important in concept – helping people to live more fully into the image of God we are placed on the earth to represent. And I am thrilled others found it helpful and even liberating. Maybe I need to re-read the book with fresh eyes.
I finally found a few minutes to comment on Fully Alive (A Biblical view of Gender) by Dr. Larry Crabb. I really enjoyed reading this
“If relational femininity is displayed in a woman who is opened to receive godly movement and longs to nourish godly movement, relational masculinity is revealed in a man who remembers God’s story and moves to advance its plot. If we catch even a dim vision of the high calling of God on our lives, we will wake up from our long nap with sweet desire. We will want to live fully alive as feminine women and masculine men.” Pg 78
This statement does invoke in me a desire to not lose out by being so protective of my time and emotions that I will live out the rest of my days and miss out on the adventure of walking in my femininity the way God intended. Dr. Crabb goes on to talk about the risks of relational femininity when he asks some compelling questions:
“What woman in her right mind would take that risk in such a relationally uncertain and dangerous world? Invitational? Opened? Nourishing? It’s unrealistic. Better to keep your guard up, play it safe, and be ready to back away if things get too disappointing. But that’s not the way of Jesus. Is His way too risky? Is it really worth it? “ pg. 92
I think if I am honest with myself, I have lived much of my Christian life pacing myself – to not get burned out, to not be taken advantage of in the church, to love on my terms and in my time frame. Somehow I could spiritualize this stance and even feel good about it – being a good steward of my time and energy – surely God would be impressed with my intentions to control my resources.
“Until divine love becomes our center, until love is our organizing principle for living and our compelling energy for relating, we will live to protect ourselves from others or to preserve ourselves through others.” Pg 143 “There is a center, and it is not me. It is Christ in me…she will realize that there is a divine center lodged in her soul that can empower her to come alive in relational femininity to the glory of God.” Pg 145
“The vision has been cast. We may not change the world, but we can put God on display in our world. Make the difference you were designed to make in other people’s lives by revealing the irresistible beauty of God as you relate like Jesus in the Spirit’s power.” Pg. 219
A great challenge for 2017 – Oh Lord make it so!
I have absolutely loved reading all of your comments on this book. How incredibly encouraging it is to see that we all face the same challenges – often just with different faces and names. May we all become freer to pursue who God uniquely created us to be in 2017 – without shame or apology. My encouragement to all of you – go for it! I promise not to be one of those women who hobbles you with criticism and nitpicking. I’m proud to belong to an awesome community of women leading in their own unique ways.
I am late in getting my response to “Fully Alive” …To be honest, I have had a hard time getting through this book. Perhaps it is because my mind is about a million different directions lately or it could be just a case of some books being more timely then others? I did however persevere, and although at first glance I assumed it would be a big theological debate on women’s roles, I really didn’t find that that was what it was. That the main issue, although seemingly would be about roles, really was that we live our lives fully to the glory and honour of God. If we are living and walking close to the Lord and desiring to glorify Him with our lives, then we will be living fully alive in who God has made us to be, enabling us to thrive in our gender roles as He has defined them. I really appreciated Dr. Crabb’s honesty and vulnerability. It is easier for people to learn, I believe, when there is openness and it makes us feel that we can relate. To be a vibrant women with healthy relationships, one MUST rely on Jesus, because in Him is the wellspring of all life. I am thankful for the hope that there is in Him. Aren’t you? Thank you Ellen for sending it along. Time to dive into my next one =)