As a woman with many relationships and as a leader in a local church I am continually challenged to not run from conflict but to step towards it with courage and humility. Knowing God won’t abandon me and that He is my helper (Hebrews 13:5,6) I desire to face conflict so I can experience clarity and restoration in relationships. This is no easy process and I often struggle just like Jesus did in the garden to obey the will of the Father. I appreciate some lines in a Chris Tomlin song that conveys how we daily need to die to our will and our ways and embrace Jesus’ way. “I lay me down, I’m not my own, I belong to you alone.” So no matter how I’m feeling, my desire is please God and choose to “live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18).

I thought I might share with you some personal gleanings around dealing with conflict that I need to remind myself of regularly…

#1 Check Your Own Heart First

This is key to living life well and being able to resolve conflict. Loving others, whether it’s a family member, co-worker, friend or an enemy is a heart issue! We need to keep our hearts big and soft; and not allow them to become contaminated and polluted. Do the work of inspecting your own heart to see what is filling it.

#2 Choose to Face the Conflict for the Other Person’s Benefit, Not Your Own

Set aside the “need” to be right, to prove a point or let off steam and address the situation for the benefit of the other person, the relationship and the “bigger picture”. WAIT if you are not there yet!

#3 Recognize We Have All Been Wounded in Life

We all have different journeys that are filled with varying experiences but one thing we all have in common is that each one of us has been hurt and disappointed. How we view life and the perspective with which we approach relationships and resolve conflict is formed by many, many things. The pain we have experienced impacts us greatly and unresolved pain can compromise our mental, emotional and spiritual health. I try to remind myself to approach a situation with sensitivity, not knowing fully what someone else has been through.

#4 Understand Your Triggers

Pain – past or present develops sore spots in our hearts that creates triggers. Identifying our triggers helps us discover why we might have thought, said or done something. This equips us to own our “stuff”, take responsibility for our responses and perhaps understand what others might be experiencing. This insight can help compassion flow to others.

#5 Do Not Create a Backstory

The enemy wants us to create a story based on partial truths, lies, fears and past experiences, so that we won’t even desire to face a conflict. We can give up – having no hope that things could be different, we can write our own conclusion or even be too afraid to tackle the conversation. Refuse to create backstories – they take you out of the game!

#6 Be Prepared to Listen Well

Active listening is crucial! Make eye contact, ask questions, and clarify what is being shared to gain understanding.

#7 Share Your Story Taking Personal Responsibility

This is not about blame – we are trying to resolve a conflict and restore relationships. As you share insight about yourself, your feelings, and responses, it is important to do so in a healthy way, without condemning yourself or blaming others. It might take some hard work to get to this place but it will definitely prepare the way for God to minister to everyone.

The last thought I have is a big one and requires more to be shared than this post has room for! So I will simply say:

#8 Give and Receive Forgiveness

This is easier said than done and is always a process that we walk through.

May God empower each one of us to be committed to resolving conflict in a healthy way for the benefit that will come, not only to us and those we do life with but for the sake of the Kingdom!

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Beth Fleming became a believer at the age of 16. She always had a passion for and loved working with kids, and so became an Early Childhood Educator. In 1976 she married Steve and they both felt the call to Pastor. They planted Koinonia Christian Fellowship in 1984, just outside the KW area, and have pastored and led the team there for 34 years.

Together they have 3 children: Kathryn (and husband, Joseph), Bryce ( and wife, Heidi) and Kaitlyn (and husband, Jacob) and 2 granddaughter, Everly…and there is 1 more grandchild due in July! All of their kids live in the KW area and are helping to build the local church.

Beth loves spending time with family, the beach, sunshine & swimming, and is passionate about hosting and connecting with people, as well as organizing!

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